remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
