woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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