I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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