If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
