We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
