If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
