I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
