Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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