go do what you do best...puke behind churches
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize