1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
