my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
