my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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