I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
