I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
