I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
