what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
