I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
