I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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