see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize