i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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