He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize