also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
