hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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