I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
