I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
