My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
