first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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