we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
