I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is Oprah even human
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
