i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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