I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
