Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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