it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
