I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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