I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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