She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
