I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
