Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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