ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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