honey bunches of taint.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
