i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
