The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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