I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
