We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
