after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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