Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
