My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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