she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
