Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's shark week go big or go home
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