is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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