Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
