Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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