He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
