I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
