The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
