hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
