listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
